Systems thinking says that once you have two people who sort of fall into each other’s orbit, the relationship becomes a kind of third force. It takes on a life of its own. Certain initial properties, perhaps insignificant in themselves, can take on huge significance. Here’s a trivial example with important implications. Let’s say you and I set up housekeeping together. We decide we’re going to share the washing-up chores after every meal. Now let’s say that you’re just a little faster when it comes to washing dishes and you do just a little better job.
Or, I think I do.
Well, it’s quite possible that because of that little difference the responsibility for washing dishes every night will fall to you. After all, you’ll be itching to jump in when you see how comparatively slow I am and how I end up not doing as good a job as you.
Of course, now that you’re doing the washing-up every night, that’s one extra chore for you. And that might make you just a little resentful. You might not blow up. You might just act ever so slightly cold and hostile. Maybe not even enough for me to notice consciously. But I will notice it, and I will respond. And then you’ll respond to my response, and then I’ll respond to your response. And we’re off and running in a self-maintaining cycle of anger and distance. And there you have it. Two nice normal people in a terrible mess not because they’re terrible people but because of the properties of systems.
Now here’s the miracle. While this is very hard for two people to sort out on their own – which explains why we feel so stuck so often in our own relationships – it’s surprisingly easy for a good therapist who understands systems to sort this out, and you can do it without any blame.
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