Snippets

• Google is launching an online hard drive! This will be a good place for the Google's most dedicated gadget users to store their online girlfriends. It's also fortunate that they offer "infinite storage", because I bet those girls are fat.
• For some people, saying "No thanks, I don't want to be your sweetheart" with words alone is not enough.
• Change of plans, Mr. Durkie Allahbear. Spring Break Sudan is cancelled, we're going to Mexico instead.
• The Gulabi Gang: Kicking ass while wearing saris since 2005.

Fun Fact

Well, you've just severed your own penis. NOW WHAT??
No worries, you can just get it reattached. If you keep the severed part intact, especially if you refrigerate it, it'll be good for at least a couple days. A finger, on the other hand (ha), will only be good for about 12 hours unrefrigerated, although something like a nose, which has less muscle and more slowly metabolizing cartilage.

So don't panic. The first thing to do is to put your severed friend on ice, after sealing it in a plastic bag to prevent frostbite. Don't soak it in water, since this will make reattachment more difficult. Because blood vessels in a penis are bigger than those in, say, a finger, a penis is actually easier to reattach because it takes less meticulous resewing of the vessels. Occasionally, though, to avoid dangerously stretching blood vessels during reattachment, surgeons will just shorten the appendage itself.

Now that hurts.

Politics

Mike Huckabee went to the Virgin Islands; now they're just the Islands.

Better yet: Mike Huckabee is going to win the Democratic primary for the presidential nomination. In a clutch political play to ensure once and for all that not one person remains who takes his nomination seriously, Huckabee releases an ad featuring Chuck Norris. The man's a genius. Because if anyone can convince Americans of the need for robust diplomacy, it's Chuck Norris.
It's a good thing Huckabee balances out his endorsement lineup with a "Champion of Christ." Someone's going to have to do the last rites for his opponents. They're done for.

Cardiologists are worried that Dick Cheney's heartbeat is irregular.

That's like Britney saying that the Grammy award she won for Blackout has a scratch on it. Come on.

I'm not sure what doctors have mistaken for Cheney's "heart", but this man has by now lived through four heart attacks, two angioplasties, quadruple bypass surgery, a defibrillator implanted into his heart, aneurysms behind both knees, a blood clot in his left leg, and eight yeast infections.

And the fact that only the last one is made up (just kidding, it was only one) is absolutely ridiculous.


Trent Lott has announced that he is resigning by the end of this year.

Not retiring after his term, which doesn't end until 2012, but flat out resigning, with no replacement. Which is fine, because it's not like he's the top Republican in the Senate. He's only No. 2. So no biggie. It's not like he actually does anything, I mean beyond pork spending and hating black people.

Yet Trent manages to sour even the sweetness of finally getting rid of him, with the irksome fact that he's selling out "because he has no money" (maybe that's why he didn't want poor Americans to have any either). On January 1, 2008, a new law will force legislators to wait for two years before lobbying for money, but with Lott's current timing, he'll only need to wait one year. This exemplifies the kind of patience and care that Lott has exhibited throughout his Senate career, and we'll miss him for it. We being the top 1% of America's income bracket.


Jacques Chirac was officially charged this week of embezzlement during his time as mayor of Paris.

Magistrates (that's French for "detectives"!) are investigating his possible* embezzlement of public funds during his tenure from 1977-1995. Nineteen other people are also being charged, including another former prime minister, Dominique de Villepin, who isn't allowed to contact Chirac until examiners get to the bottom of this.

Chirac might have collaborated with Villepin, who isn't speaking to him, but who has accused current President Nicolas Sarkozy of accepting bribes. Sarkozy is of course denying it, while trying to remain diplomatic about Chirac while talking smack about him behind his back, and Villepin being mollified by his Asian girlfriend (Katherine Cheng!). It's like any other episode of Dominique's Creek.

Google game

This is marginally me-related, but all in the interests of passing on a game (hurray).
As with all the best games (that aren't Freeze-tag), you start by going to Google. Type in "[your name] likes to" and see what comes up.

Example:
Lulu likes to "graze."
Lulu likes to indulge her sweet tooth and can be quite adamant when she doesn't get what she wants.
Lulu likes to shift gears.
Lulu likes to play with herself in the middle of the nights [sic].
Lulu likes to scoot down hills and she doesn't care who is watching.

That's all. Real post to come. I'll make this small text so you can tell it's not important.

Election 2008

Vote John Edwards for my boyfriend - I mean, for president!


After 8 years of this...
and 8 years of this...
Isn't it time for 8 years of this...?

You owe it to yourselves, America. When you go to the ballots this January, remember this:
no one is asking for a PILF, but go ahead and make the next 4 years easier on yourselves.

Most Recent

John Howard is out; Kevin Rudd is in. But nothing new under the sun.
http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/1126/p07s02-woap.html

One Laptop per Child is getting crushed by the giants. Thanks a lot, IBM
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119586754115002717.html?mod=rss_Today's_Most_Popular

Swedish women are lobbying for the right to swim topless
http://www.dagbladet.no/nyheter/2007/11/23/519062.html

Jail Gang-Rape in Brazil
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/D4D23107-FBCC-4542-A1F0-71DF8B27B32B.htm

New PM for Somalia
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/404820AD-0CED-40B7-9473-F917C749CAA4.htm

NYT Notable books
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/02/books/review/notable-books-2007.html?em&ex=1196053200&en=3aa36a32ba6da901&ei=5087%0A

TGIS

Worst. Cruise. Ever. Thank God for those Norwegians.

Captain Arnvind Hansen helped save about 150 people after an Arctic cruise ship struck ice, earning himself a Nordic-hero spot among the hallowed ranks of Henrik Ibsen, Edvard Munch, and the singer of Aqua.

The tour operator, by the way, is a Toronto-based company. Now taking bets on the direction of their earnings for fiscal year 2008.


Stem Wars: A New Hope. Dr. James Thomson, at the University of Wisconsin, was one of the original pioneers of extracting stem cells from human embryos.

Pro: Because of their unlimited abilities to grow and transform into specialized cells, embryonic stem cells could make a world of difference in regenerative medicine. Con: No more human embryo.

Now, Dr. Thomson goes harder better faster stronger with his new success in turning human skills cells into, effectively, embryonic stem cells. No embryos required.

Now with the new technique, which involves adding just four genes to ordinary adult skin cells, it will not be long, he says, before the stem cell wars are a distant memory. “A decade from now, this will be just a funny historical footnote,” Dr. Thomson said in the interview.

Absolutely phenomenal progress, but we'll have to see about the footnote thing.


BBC Poll reveals what we've all been thinking. I know you've been thinking it too.

U2 has made many contributions to music, African kids, and tinted sunglasses, but their lyrics (not unlike their first names) sound cool until you pay attention and realize they're lame.
But on the poll, Worst Pop Lyrics, U2 doesn't even make it past #5, eclipsed by gems such as

I'm as serious as cancer When I say rhythm is a dancer
and
I don't want to see a ghost
It's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast


France has finally passed long-awaited new legislation banning public smoking.
Cafes, nightclubs and restaurants are to be given until January 2008 to adapt, said Dominique de Villepin.
If they adapt as well as nightclubs typically "adapt" to the banning of substances, they'll really be in great shape.

Kasparov got checked. Apparently, when you spend decades talking shit about the Kremlin, good things don't happen to you. It seems the Russian government is sensitive. Who knew!


Fun Fact

The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also ironically the world's most shoplifted book.
Salvation comes with a five-finger discount.

Worldwide

Nicolas Sarkozy 1 - Public Workers 0. Sarkozy took a swing at public services unions with his plan to overhaul the "special pensions regime".













This reform would affect about 500,000 transportation workers, parliamentarians, and ballet dancers (the crux of French society), who are currently allowed to retire with full pension 20 years earlier than everyone else, costing everyone else a nice $9 billion a year.

Transportation strikes were crippling the country: people were sleeping in the office and the streets nearly saw riots. You'd think cigarette factories and poodle groomers were striking. Unions finally cried oncle, the strikes ended today, and ballet dancers got to see who's boss.


Peace: out. If there were a progress report for being fucked, then Lebanon would be Exceeding Expectations.

Having attained close to a political rock bottom, Beirut ambitiously pulls out the pickaxe as its president, Emile Lahoud uh, quits. Without naming a successor.

He really, actually, just picked up and left, absentmindedly asking the army to make sure the kids behave. No need to worry about the anti-Syrian radicals, everyone. Dinner's in the microwave and here's a number to call if anything...no, scratch that. Enjoy your dinner (marinated regional crisis).

Worst. President. Ever.


President Musharraf (giving Lahoud a run for his money) declared a state of emergency.














The Commonwealth didn't like it and disowned Pakistan. Pakistan got pissed and is now giving its President a week to quit his other day job, as chief of the army. And it's really about time. I admit to taking any excuse to wear camo, but this is taking it a bit too far.

This isn't like Blockbuster and Burger King; you can't work two jobs like that. It's the presidency of Pakistan...okay, so maybe like Blockbuster and The Olive Garden. But still, it's nice to see at least one of the countries in the Axis of Screwing Ourselves into the Dirt enforce some discipline in its president (it's the only way he'll learn!).

Although it's a bit surprising that years of international rebuke did nothing to rile up the Pakistanis, until they were disallowed from prancing around at the Commonwealth games. I would've taken that as a sign of moving in a positive direction; Commonwealth games are lame.

However, Musharraf does have some friends in the Supreme Court. They've ordered the Election Commission to declare him the official winner of October's presidential election (remind you of another country?). God Bless Democracy, Middle Eastern style.


Lessons in the News

• Pain is temporary. Turning bionic is forever.
• Pain is temporary. Getting just a little bit more attention for something even lamer than what you originally got kind of famous for...is also temporary. Sorry.
• Writing a diary can save a life! (Well for one tree, not for, you know...millions of people.)

Fun Fact

Bulldogs' heads are so large in proportion to their bodies that they usually have to be born through Caesarean sections or they might get stuck in the birth canal. Some bitches whelp fine (I actually think that's a Snoop Dogg lyric) on their own, but the species as a whole is probably pretty dependent on humans for their survival, which is frightening considering how humans raise their children. Sorry, I meant...humans raise their children.

Because of the funky shape of their heads and faces, bulldogs require daily cleaning of their face folds to prevent infections, and they are also chronic snorers. Overall, owning a bulldog is probably pretty similar to being married to Fred Thompson.

Thanksgiving

Week in Review

Brazil is getting their AIDS under control, which is good to hear because I imagine they just go at it all the time like Energizer bunnies on chocolate and Red Bull. I mean their women look like this...

...and that's in the winter (when it snows mannah).













Amazon has released their tepidly anticipated eBook device, scintillatingly entitled the Kindle.

I thought this would be because the device would kindle your desire to get back the $400 you just spent on a damn eBook (that doesn't even support PDF), but apparently it's kindling CEO Jeff Bezos's bank account: the thing debuted on Nov. 19 and sold out in 5.5 hours.

Apparently the Kindle (ugh) does have perks, including free wireless, so users can go to amazon.com and get eBooks for discounted ePrices, as well as search Wikipedia.That, to some people, might be worth the wallet cramps, although sitting on the subway looking like you're scrutinizing a blood pressure monitor might not be.


Canadians are sexy. Robots are sexy. And when you combine them...well, who could keep their hands off that?

Nonetheless, Dr. Le Trung (like Le SportSac, but with Trung, which may or may not mean SportSac in Asian) manages to grope his way into getting slapped by an android. He has created Canada's first functional female android, which can feel pain, interact through touch, and recognize voices and faces
She can also speak Japanese and English, which will allow her to communicate her famous "I do not like it when you touch my breast" to 90% of the world's most lecherous perverts. Her name is Aiko, Ai meaning Love and Ko meaning Child...which does nothing at all to make this project less OH MY GOD REALLY CREEPY.


Pandora finally introduced classical music to their lineup, both delightful "classical classics" as well as eye-gouging "holiday classics".

A Verdi Merry Christmas to all!

(I know that's Beethoven, but the image results for Verdi didn't fit the hat as well.)













Lessons from the news

• If you want a stable life, you probably shouldn't marry any man with the last name Peterson, especially if your first name rhymes with -acy.
• Sometimes, Mr. President, it is okay to condemn Arabs. It was different when we got mad about it before. It's alright this time. Don't be afraid; condemn away. You know you want to.
• The ability to spontaneously lose recollection is handy. Hopefully Gonzales can forget this incident as well. Shake it off them haters, Al.

Fun fact

Thanksgiving was proclaimed a national holiday in 1863 by President Lincoln - that guy just could not miss! (Too bad the same can't be said for John Wilkes Booth.)
The gift of a turkey for the Cratchit family's Christmas dinner in A Christmas Carol helped popularize it as a holiday meal, especially after people had decided since the 17th century that venison was too much of a bother to hunt, while cows and chickens were more useful alive.

Ouch.

Kickoff

Motley Skew is a new blog.

Hopefully, it will be interesting, and (or rather, because) it isn't about me or my life or how I saw a friend today and she said something funny and then later I ate more chocolate than I planned to.
Hopefully, it will also be longer-lived than my desultory SIDS-succumbed freshman blog, aptly titled [?].

This will be more of a depository of goings-on involving people, places, and things, that aren't me. Motley because interesting things can't always be categorized; Skew because commentary will probably be biased most of the time (so it's a good thing I'm always right). Hence the title. Plus, I give myself a little pat on the back whenever I can emulate Tommy Lee in any facet of life.

There will also be occasional fun facts and pictures, but sadly, Motley Skew with Occasional Fun Facts and Pictures lacks the same punch.